Lived Experience Forum

[Fantapants]

Hi there, I am new to this and very scared to even be on here. Everytime I try to open myself up to anyone I get let down and pushed to the side. I have never had someone stand by me not even my parents.

 I had a rough child hood bullied right through school, psychologists since I was 8 and diagnosed with anxiety and depression at 16 by 18 I was advised I had BPD. I have been in am abusive relationship at this age, was raped after leaving my ex and getting a restraining order on him.

My battle has never gotten easy it just gets worse all the time and the only reason I am still alive is because I have 2 kids I dont want to leave behind. My daughter is 12 and dealt with the grunt of my mental health. I get angry and loose it at any and everything. My daughter can be in the kitchen getting lunch ready for school tomorrow and I hear the draw close and I'll tell at her because it's to loud or she comes in to tell me shes going to bed and I snap at her. Everything seems to get under my skin like its bubbling through ready to explode. I'm sick of always being on edge losing it at any and everything. I have lost family friends and I lost the love of my life because of my mental health. I met someone else and we had a baby but my mental health through my pregnancy became so bad and he treated me bad a few times and I couldn't cope and he gets quite angry at me and scares me at times. I always thought that if you truly loved someone youd try to understand there illness, learn how to help them but no one ever does they walk away abuse me or ignore me and make me feel like a complete mental case all because I have my way of trying to work through things and i get put down and yelled at even when talking through a situation can help.me identify everything. I have to have everything organised i cant leave things to the last minute. I need structure and order in my life i dont cope with any caos. I freak put of something isnt right, if I cant get my seat belt untwisted or something silly like my sock not sitting right everything it's getting to hard and I dont want to be this way anymore.  I have tried for 18 years to get help. Waiting lists for group therapy only to be told it's only 1 day a week that they are held and was 10am when I worked so had to cancel. Why is it so hard to get help. I feel like I have lost everything because I couldn't get any help I've lost 18 years of my life lost people and family because I cant get help and I dont know what to do anymore. Every day I want to stay in bed because if I dont face the world there's less chance of something getting to me. Please help

[nashy]

Hey there @Fantapants , thank you so much for sharing your story. I know it must be so painful to re-write some of your experience here, but we really appreciate that you did. Because you are not alone, we strive for this community to hold as a safe space for people who have been through the ins and outs of mental health challenges and I definitely hope we can listen and hold some of this pain alongside you.

I think it's pretty incredible the amount of insight into yourself you possess, this in itself can be a rare quality. So please take a moment to acknowledge the power in your own self-awareness. You are right, getting angry over every single thing is not sustainable and it does sound like you're ready for a permanenent change in behaviour, (even as you know that this coping mechanism is a result of previous abuse).

So have you started the group therapy or did it transpire to be unachievable? In whatever form I do think it's important you get ongoing support, especially as your Daughter is experiencing the pain too, and you're right it's important she's okay, and very important your relationship with her is strong. I would recommend in addition to using our forums giving our help centre a call to see if there's any local services they could look up for you, or general strategies they might have. Sane's help centre number is 1800 187 263 or web chat is here.

How are you feeling after writing this post and getting everything out? 

[Fantapants]

I havent had any proper help, I couldn't attend groups because at the time I was working I was forced back to working dispite being quite unstable with my mental health. I am no longer working and have a 14 month old son.

I dont find talking in groups or reading things helps me. I'm at a point where I feel like it doesnt matter what I do or try nothing helps.. I see a psychologist every month and talk about things and she helps with some parts but the BPD is so hard.  I always reach out but I fell like a lost cause because no matter how hard I reach out it's like no one listens or wants to help. People only want to surround them selves with happy positive people and the more I'm left alone and uncared about the deeper I fall...  my now ex we had a falling out because after a nice day out i started to get anxiety and said that i was, I let him know if I can and my son is on oxygen so I seen his nose cannula had dragged on the floor getting gravel in it so I started to stress I got anxious got snappy because I was stressing and we got in to an argument because he was pissed off at how I spoke to him I asked how I spoke and all he could say was it wasnt what I said it was the way. I tried to explain do hard that I warned him I was getting anxious and when my mood changes my voice heightens.  But then turned in to yelling argument him yelling at me to just shut up and stop talking but I have to talk my way through things. He wouldn't listen it was just all about how he didnt like how I spoke. So turned in to me having an anxiety attack  on the side of the road.  If i hadnt of snapped and started to panic about my son not being able to be on his o2 it never would of happened but I had a good reason and trigger... most people probably would find a calm approach by my head doesnt it snaps goes in to stress mode..

I hear about how people have friends family and even partners that give them such amazing support and yet I have no one at all for support.. I feel I'm to far gone that no one wants anything to do with me because it's just to hard. I have missed out on half of my life so far because of my health and lost someone I loved because of my head. I dont want to loose anymore years.

[Serenity1]

Hi @Fantapants the way you have expressed yourself is EXACTLY how I feel 💖 Although different circumstances- I can relate to how you feel 💯 if you want to talk just tag me @Serenity1 😊🌺

[Fantapants]

Hi jojo,

It is always a breath of fresh air when you hear someone else out there is like you..  it can make you feel so alone and that you have no where to go no one to turn to.

It's the worst thing having to fight your own brain when you feel it raising through your veins but have no control over stopping these emotions.

Be nice to be able to live a normalize happy life and not have to miss out on everything. You sit back and watch people live there happy lives going places, doing family and friend events or bbqs together. 

Having anxiety, depression, BPd and then with the birth of my son I got Post natal depression on top of an already messed up head. Not once got the support I needed once again, even from.other mums. People I have know for more then half my life. People backed away, my parents disowned me and want nothing to do with me because of my half brother causing an argument when I told him to not start because I was at my peak of my mental health and post natal depression so made everything worse and at the end no one cared. No one stopped to ask me about the situation just hear my bro and yep we done with you..  just sick of feeling so worth less I crave some attention now. I need to feel loved, wanted, like I actually matter to someone. That I'm worth having in this world because I feel like people wouldn't even notice if I wasn't around because I'm to much drama for anyone..

How do you battle through your life? Do you have any support from anyone or fo you have any form of therapy groups or something that's helping you?