Lived Experience Forum

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Judi9877 ,

I’ve never actually returned to PARC since change in management. Most staff left and I think only the team leader stayed. So in a way, thank goodness I only have helpful memories of PARC. I wouldn’t want to leave on a negative note.

To be honest, I really needed the 4 weeks to help me through crises. I couldn’t imagine being there for only 2 weeks and expect the maximum benefit. Although I’m still glad they offer the service. I believe the acuity of clients is now higher because it is more a step to/from hospital. Whereas I used it as a ‘reset’ every so often. 

Anyway, I’m glad you are home. And look forward to hearing about your case management appointment.

BPDSurvivor

[Judi9877]

Good morning @BPDSurvivor.@FloatingFeather @GrevilleaBlooms @TAB @hanami @Snowie @Oaktree @Appleblossom @TuxedoCat @Shaz51 @Sirius @tyme @Rhye @MDT and all forumites joining me here this Saturday in the jungle. Thanks for dropping by. It’s very much appreciated!

This morning I woke up in an okay mood - slightly nervous/anxious about my psychologist appointment today but set a goal of choosing to work on my 170 stitches knitted blanket that I started last Saturday night at PARCS and which I’ve barely touched since coming home. I’ve got a knitting group to attend tomorrow for a few hours which I found on Facebook which I’m looking forward to going to as it should be fun and hopefully I’ll meet some new people as well and maybe get some new ideas from them too. Overall, I think it’ll be a good experience for me socially and mentally as well. I’ll take my blanket with me to work on and go from there. 

As for my psychologist session today, I’m feeling a little nervous/anxious about it as a lot of things have happened in the past month which are going to be talked about including the PARCS experience and my overall mental health. I know there’s a lot to talk about and I’m ready for it - I just don’t know how the session will run today in regards to it being an easy casual chat or something more detailed. I’ll soon find out I guess very soon so I’ll keep you all posted on what happens.

The good news is I was accepted for case management yesterday afternoon with 3-6 months duration to fix my meds and help with my sleep which is a good thing so that’s a positive in that regard. I was scared of being rejected as the case manager I saw on Thursday said usually a meds review wasn’t something they usually take on for case management but obviously something must have been said and I got approved. As for the change in meds, that’s up to the services psychiatrist as to how they choose to handle it - whether it be in the community or admit me to hospital for it - but there’s a chance it will be a different hospital with slightly less drama/chaos of patients as the hospital service has done a deal with a local private hospital to provide beds for reasons like mine so that could be interesting if that happens. Either way, I’ll find out more when I meet the psych registrar in a few weeks time for a meds review as my first appointment is with them. The case manager I saw on Thursday is the person I’ll be dealing with and I think I can get along with her - it’s just the small fact that she had trouble following up in getting back to me that’s an issue with me having to call her yesterday afternoon to see what the case management outcome was and her not coming on Monday afternoon and not letting me know until I called her. It’s some thing that I’ll have to raise with her as it could be an issue if I’m constantly chasing her up for information. At least now I’ve got a case manager to look over things and monitor my mental health for a few months which is a good thing and it might actually help in preventing a relapse as well.

In regards to my PARCS experience, yes it wasn’t the best but I did achieve a few things looking back such as:

- I got a knitted blanket completed 

- I realised that a crochet hook is needed in my wellness coping toolkit to help me in times of stress and anxiety as I was able to start a new blanket for my housemate

- I purchased some lavender spray and it’s helped me with calming me down and with sleep 

- I knitted 2 beanies for 2 residents 

- I learnt about triggers and cravings and urge surfing and how to deal with it as well as going through that experience last Saturday night when I thought my knitted blanket wasn’t very good and utilising the skills in the topic 

- I finally got some case management organised to help me after PARCS thanks to my housemate and some of the staff there

- I had some days where I wasn’t bored snd learnt that setting goals for the day helps with this topic

- I had a good session with the psychologist who helped me with a few things

- I learnt the benefits of a nightly session before bed which I’ve slipped a little on since coming home and need to get back into doing.

So, despite me thinking that PARCS was bad, there were some positives to come out of it and that’s the main thing in reflection on the experience. Hopefully I won’t have to return there any time soon due to the new organisation taking over and it not being very well run but never say never right?

It’s time for me to go and eat some breakfast now. Thanks for reading this.

Take care!

Judi9877☺️💐

[Judi9877]

Good afternoon/evening to all forumites joining me in the jungle at the moment including @BPDSurvivor @FloatingFeather @GrevilleaBlooms @TAB @hanami @Sirius @tyme @TuxedoCat @Paperdaisy @MDT @Appleblossom @maddison @Shaz51 . I’ve decided to do an update on the day and what has eventuated with me and so forth as once again, I’m ‘urge surfing’ and having to deal with a range of mixed emotions that I’m struggling to deal with. Similar to what I experienced a week ago at PARCS but this time, it’s psychologist related and not knitting, so feel free to read on please!

Basically, I had my appointment with my psychologist this afternoon and although it went well- he was quite impressed with how I’ve dealt with things this past month- I think it went a little too well as he’s decided to not schedule in a next appointment and wants me to decide when to have it. I can still email him throughout this period about things but I know my sessions with him are nearly up on a financial sense and he wants me to make the most of the time with him. I’m planning on using some of my ndis package towards continuing to see him which he’s fine about but I feel a little mixed up and confused about not having another appointment scheduled with him. I know I struggled in some ways today to talk about things with him because I felt there wasn’t much to say - basically, I survived PARCS despite it being a somewhat bad experience yet I got through it and the 2 weeks without his help even though I did email him in distress on the Wednesday I was first there because of not getting my meds changed which is what I initially went in there for. I do know that I was able to use my coping strategies such as my crocheting to start a blanket as well as my knitting to complete a blanket and I rediscovered my love of meditation and the use of a lavender room spray to help me deal with anxiety and stress so that’s great. I was also able to survive not being rescued by him when I felt I was in distress and in need of his help so that shows me that I’m more than capable of rescuing myself and living through whatever drama or issue happens to me so that’s a great positive thing in that regard. I guess I’m stronger than I give myself credit for but I’m scared to admit this in case I fail again and stuff up and can’t rescue myself yet he obviously realised this in me which is why he’s chosen to make the next session up to me. I do know at times of distress or bad times such as when I’m feeling depressed or suicidal, I struggle to see the good points in myself and realise that I do have some great coping strategies that can turn the situation or episode around which is sad when you look at it because that’s the stuff I need to remember and recall when things do happen. At PARCS, I was able to stop myself from being bored by setting small goals for myself and attempting to go out and achieve them which did work surprisingly well for me and I’ve used this strategy today to work on my large knitted blanket of 170 stitches throughout the day. Now, as I’m feeling a little uncertain and mixed up, I’ve resorted in going back to my crochet blanket that I started at PARCS and redid part way through from making it a rectangle to a square and that’s been working really well for me as I know I can crochet and do the blanket so it’s a confidence and self esteem building activity as well in that regard and I’m noticing my mood has improved slightly for working on it. I’m also playing some positive and happy music on my iPhone as well to boost my mood. In this regard, I guess I’m urge surfing as I’m feeling bad that I have no scheduled appointment time but want to take away the bad feelings so I’m doing things to make me feel good as I know the bad feelings will eventually fade away and I’ll feel better soon. I think this is called behaviour activation if I’m right with what I learnt about it at a PARCS session and is a form of CBT used for depression. I’ve also just ordered more pastel wool for the crochet blanket as I’m enjoying it and haven’t got the coloured yarn in my wool stash and I want to continue with the blanket which my housemate wants me to keep for myself instead of her which is nice of her and something I glad she did as the blanket does have a special meaning attached now for me in that it helped me deal with a bad set of feelings when I arrived at PARCS and got me out of trouble. If I have enough wool left over. I might make my housemate a new blanket as a thank you gift for what she’s done for me over these past 3 weeks.

How can I work at convincing myself that I’m going to be okay and that I can handle things on my own? I know deep down I’ll be okay - I have to be- but it’s hard knowing that the next appointment is up to me when I want it being a month from now at the minimum amount of time. Personally, I’ve set a goal of not having another appointment until I get back from my holiday to Echuca in early September so I’m hoping to achieve that as I know I’ll have lots to probably tell him so the appointment won’t be a waste of time for me. I’m scared that I won’t last at least a month yet I know I’m fully capable of being okay and handling things as I’ve done so this past 5 weeks. Obviously my psychologist can see the mental improvement in me which is why he’s doing this to me and that’s great but I’m just having self doubts and a crash in confidence and self esteem right now and that’s affecting how I see myself and the situation I’m in. It’s just so hard to see the positives right now, hence the urge surfing and waiting on better feelings to emerge and take over these negative thoughts and feelings.

My next big challenge besides this is dealing on my own for 11 days when my sister goes on a cruise and is basically uncontactable by phone at the end of the month which I’m a little worried about but know that once again, I should be okay. My sister is more concerned about staying healthy before the cruise and is doing all things possible to avoid getting COVID along with her being concerned about how she’ll deal with her anxiety and OCD issues on board the ship so she’s got her own issues to deal with in that regard. 

I think it’s time I ended my post here as I’ve got nothing much really to add except to ask for some friendly advice or tips in how to handle this situation if I may please? Thanks in advance and thanks for reading this entry. Have a great night and stay safe!

Judi9877☺️💐🧶🌻

[Jynx]

Hi @Judi9877 thank you for sharing with us where you're at right now. 

I thought I might pop in and offer a bit of support... To me it sorta sounds like the kind of terror one might feel when they get the training wheels taken off their bike, ya know? Like you know objectively that you can stay upright and get through this, but that because it's the first ride, you're still worried you might fall. 

And you know what? Maybe you will. It sounds to me like you will be absolutely fine, but heck, sometimes we do still fall on the first ride. But it doesn't mean we will fall every time. Doesn't mean what we've learned in terms of supporting ourself is gone. Might just mean we gotta try again another day.

I hope this little analogy helps. And your forums family will have your back the whole way 💜

[Shaz51]

Thank you for sharing my awesome friend @Judi9877 ❤❤

Sitting with you everyday 

[Judi9877]

Good morning @Shaz51 @Jynx @BPDSurvivor @FloatingFeather @GrevilleaBlooms @hanami @Sirius @tyme @TuxedoCat @MDT @TAB @Appleblossom @Eve7 and everyone here today. Thanks for joining me here in the jungle.

To be honest, I’m feeling a little mixed up and in a weird headspace right now with things not being right with me. I’ve had more periods of psychosis including a period last night whereby my cat, Mitz, came and joined me under the covers late last night for about 2 hours. I’ve also had suicidal thinking again and I’m still not sleeping properly either. I have an appointment with the local mental health team’s psychiatrist on Monday afternoon scheduled which my case manager arranged - I was approved for 3-6 months case management on Friday so I’m hoping something will get sorted out with the whole medication thing as it’s driving me crazy. I’m still not sleeping properly despite the slight change in meds at PARCS so I’m not happy about that topic either. I’ve also noticed that I’m back to spending more time in my room on my bed again as I feel safe here and it’s warm in bed with Melbourne being cold. I’m just really not enjoying things again right now so the jungle isn’t such a happy place to be right now.

Add to this, I had a call from an education provider I was doing my mental health course with but only did 1 session and now I’ve got to restart the course again in August as I felt I wasn’t capable of being a mental health worker. I just have so much trouble with motivation and sticking to things to the end that makes me feel like a failure and worthless. It’s like I can’t make up my mind anymore and I hate this feeling. I know it’s partly to do with my mental health causing trouble and I accept that- I just wish I could be normal and be able to do things like others do without the problems or issues in my life. It’s like my life is one big mess or wreck and I’m living it unfortunately and don’t know how to fix it or find direction. 

As for PARCS, I’ve been discharged a week and have had no contact from them to see how I’m going which the previous organisation used to do so I’m a little annoyed and disappointed in them. It’s like I don’t matter and that they don’t care as to what happens to me. The experience wasn’t the best and I’m certainly not in a rush to go back there to the facility any time soon to be honest. Things have changed and not necessarily for the better in that regard.

I’m going to go and work on some knitting as at least I’m good at that hobby and work on my blanket for charity that they need. Sorry to be so down and miserable in this post. Thanks for reading this.

Talk later.

Judi9877

[TAB]

You do keep trying re courses @Judi9877 That can be a Good Thing
But perhaps notso good when you see trying as failing?
Have you talked to anyone about this??

[maddison]

Hey @Judi9877 

Wanted to stop by & visit your Jungle. I don't mind it here!

I can relate to so much of what you're going through at the moment. It's a beautiful day in Melbourne today, yet I'm having trouble getting in the right headspace to be able to appreciate it.

Oh my goodness, your cat Mitz sounds the best! 

Some days do feel really messy & unmanageable. I'm picturing a ball of yarn that has become tangled & knotted & intertwined with other balls. That's where I feel today. 

I know how you feel about the knitting! When all else fails - it's one of the things I can fall back on & seems to ease my soul.

Thanks for sharing.

[tyme]

Hey @Judi9877 ,

I'm sorry this new experience of PARCs hasn't been the best. I guess each organisation has a different way of running. They may be better in some areas, and not so great in others. I'd encourage you to take it for even the little benefit you got out of it. 

To be honest, I think two weeks wouldn't have been enough for that relationship to build with key workers, as opposed to the four weeks. It can make all the difference. 

I know you have mentioned a few benefits from this visit in past posts. Upon reflection, what is something that HAS helped? 

But I certainly hear that it is disappointing that there was no follow-up. You are important to us, and we want to walk this journey with you.

tyme

[Judi9877]

Good evening @maddison @tyme @TAB @Shaz51 @Jynx @Oaktree and all those passing through the jungle tonight.

@maddison I love the knitting and wool metaphor you used to describe a mind! Thank you for sharing this! That’s sort of how I feel at the moment - like a tangled ball of wool that needs sorting out and someone that is patient enough to spend the time untangling it! 
@TAB as for the mental health course, I think I’m destined to be a mental health worker as I keep on coming back to this area of work. I love my volunteer position as a Community Guide here at Sane and have been doing the role and enjoying it for 2 years now so I’m hoping to be able to use some of this as practical placement hours in my course. Besides, after seeing the work that mental health workers do at my recent PARCS admission, I’m now determined to make sure I’m better than them in terms of client contact and support. Most of the workers just hid away in the office and only came out when they had to actually do something with the residents like help cook dinner or run a group - even then, they were poorly run most of the time. I’d like to to be a mental health worker that cares for their clients and is willing to spend time getting to know the clients instead of just some meaningless chat as I felt was what happened at PARCS over the 2 weeks I was there. 
@tyme yes, I had a bit of a bad experience at PARCS but there were some positives out of it like completing a knitted blanket for charity which I really wanted to do. I also started crocheting again and found it really helpful with stress and anxiety that I experienced initially when I arrived. I also managed to get a case manager out of the experience so that was good. I did make an earlier post about the positives of the experience as well as the bad points. Like I said, it was an experience and one I plan to learn from.

As for tonight, I’m feeling a bit better mentally to the point where the jungle is calm thanks to some lavender room spray I used in my room. I’m now planning on working on my knitted blanket that has 170 stitches on the 5mm knitting needles that I started at PARCS and have forgotten about recently until now. I feel more at ease and feel I’m in a better headspace tonight which is good. In my mind, I’m imagining myself sitting on the edge of a creek bed with the water just quietly rippling along down the creek over rocks and it’s a really nice sound and image to be honest. Very calming! I’m just casually sitting in the sun resting against a pile of pillows on a fluffy blanket knitting to my hearts content and enjoying myself. I feel calm, safe and happy. Nothing can harm, hurt or disturb me. It’s a nice image to be part of in my head that’s a reference to my jungle analogy. 

Okay. Time to say goodnight from the jungle and get back to the knitting that I’m looking forward to doing!

Take care!

Judi9877☺️💐🧶