Skip to main content
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Our stories

Shameria
Casual Contributor

Unsure of my place


Ki Hi, im new and this whole forum thing is also a new thing for me. Im 21 and im currently studyng my degree in Bachlor of Social work and im in my first year as well as first semester.
My upbringing was not the brightest, my parents split when i was about 5 and from there my life went downhill. My sister and i were forced to choose, she chose my dad and i chose my mum. While living with my mother i witnessed things a girl my age shouldnt of witnessed. She went from guy to guy, ended up with a man who was hooked on every drug and if he didnt have his drugs my mother and i coped it. He almost killed my mother mulitple times, i witnessed just two of these times. He had abused me repeatedly if i didnt do as he wanted, at the age of 7 i was giving my mum relationship advice and telling her to leave him. My childhood was gone, i was 7 acting like i was in my 20's. My mother went off the deep end and left me with a family friend and never came back for me. My father was given full custody and my mother had visitation rights. She had stolen me from her mothers house and kept me with her for a week before i was then stolen back by my aunty and uncle on my dads side and witnessed my mother abused by my aunty. My mother was still my entire world at this point so i was outraged.
After that day i never seen my mum again. I lived with my dad and things seemed good. I was having nightmares about all the things that happened with my mother and i was extremely socially awkward so i was seeing a counselor. Things looked up.
Until one day my step mum went away for the weekend. I had one sister and 4 step sibilings. My sister had always been my fathers favourite so i rarely got attention from my father til the weekend my step mother went to melbourne. My father invited his friends around for drinks, i was 9. My father let me drink with him and his mates and i finally felt included and accepted by my father, i felt like we were bonding and continued to drink with him and his mates. My siblings went to bed, my fathers friends went home. I couldnt walk by myelf so my father put me in his bed and said i could sleep there while he made sure i was okay. The events that followed he put me in his bed have not only left me scarred but they changed my life when it came to males full stop. What happened that night has stayed with me for the remainder of my life.
I also found out my father had a dark and terrible past.
I was scared and never told anyone what happened that night, frightned to be alone with him. I never told anyone because i knew it would destroy my sister so i dealt with it and kept it to myself for 5 years. I finally told a school counselor in high school. My step mum told me i was making it up, my sister said she believed me but to this day i know she doesnt believe me.
Instead of dealing with it and everything else, i ignored it and acted like i was fine, making myself shut it out. I had gotten back in contact with my mother and ended up living with her, thinking it would be better and differrent this time. She had a new partner, she was happy, she was my mother and my bestfriend. But it wasnt different. She ended up kicking me out at the age of 15. SInce that day i vowed id be better then both my parents, id make it on my own.

Year 11 alot happened and suddenly my past had caught up with me, i couldnt run from it anymore and i couldnt deal with all the hurt and pain of it either. I self harmed and became extremely suiciadal, having 3 attempts, the last attempt being the major one and had spent two weeks in hospital on medication and 24hr counsellors watching me.
It was getting out of hospital that i made the second vow, that i was a strong person and i could overcome this, i had my entire life to live for and i wasnt letting my emotions win, i was going to rewrite my future and not continue what had happened in my parents past.

Im now 21 and studying a degree in social work. I chose this industry because i knew what it was like to want to leave, to run away from your problems, and now i know what its like to see the light at the end of the tunnel and i want to help other see this too, just as i was shown in the hospital.
But im so stuck, i can feel myself relapsing and slipping and i dont know how to get out of it. Ive come so far, i graduated year 12, i have my license, i earn my own money and brought my own car without a loan, ive been to sydney twice and i have amazing friends and a amazing partner who supported me when he didnt know what was happened (hes been protected his entire life so all of this is new to him) and now im the first person in my family to go to universitiy.
But i feel so out of place, i feel like i dont belong here. I want my degree, its apart of my life plan but i dont understand the language and its my first semester and i know im already going to fail one subject. I cant talk to my uni friends, they all know what their doing and they tryed to help but i still didnt understand, i cant talk to my partner or his family they are so proud of me i cant let them down and let them think im relapsing and becoming my mother, i dont know who else to talk to
The same thoughts i had when i was in high school keep re entering my mind and i cant help but feel out of place, what if im over my head, what if i cant do this and the universe has this plan that im supposed to be like my mother
This is such a long shot but i dont know what else to do, i dont feel like i belong anymore
How do i get the belonging feeling back without dropping out of uni?

11 REPLIES 11
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Unsure of my place

Hi @Shameria,

You sound like you have made some truly remarkable achievements and I have faith that you will continue to do so. Are you in contact with a uni counselor? They will be able to help you with juggling the study requirements and understand your situation and offer support. I have used them before and it really helps to have someone at uni understand and it will help you feel less overwhelmed. 

I also think that perhaps you have already proven you are no your mum in so many ways. I dont want to advise but if your partner and his family are compassionate people they would probably see you seeking help to overcome problems as a strength and value that and probably support you. 

Lastly the language at uni is daunting. First year at uni tends to be about learning the language and how to study at uni. Lots of students struggle in first semester. I'm a mum of kids your age at uni. Both of my kids found first semester challenging after high school because they went to a school where education wasnt valued. they've both worked it out and gone on nearly finishing their degrees. Your course like most is full of jargon. I studied at uni only 5 years ago as well. I cant recomend highly enough that you get help from a uni counselor and be honest with them. Please do remember if you fail its a learning curve and not you as a failure. As i stated at the begining I think youre doing really well. Best of luck.

Re: Unsure of my place

Hi. I just wanted to say that I think you're amazing. Having come through all of that I've no doubt you're strong enough to take on anything. That doesnt mean that you have to do it alone though. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to trust people but your partner and his family sound like really nice people and I dont think that they'd feel 'let down' to hear that you were struggling. I think that they would be more than happy to help you and would probably be honored that you trusted them enough to ask.  

Re: Unsure of my place

Hi. You have been through so much. There must be some amazing inner strength to move forward in your life. In my experience ilife is almost like two train tracks. One where your doing everything you should, studying ect and the other the inner one when your dealing with your emotional life. Sometimes they both cross over which is happening to you now. It's so hard when this happens. I've found if I just focus on getting one thing moving like your studying it helps keep my head above water, if you know what I mean. Achieving one thing helps all the other things. I wonder if what your studying is triggering things as well. I think the caring professions is really hard but extremely worthwhile. I imagine thinking about all the people you could help must be your motivation so maybe focus on that to get you back on track. Wishing you my best wishes and strength. Xx

Re: Unsure of my place

@Shameria, Hi, Heaps of hugs being sent to you. You have been through so much and come out on a better side. On this forum you will find alot of people who will help and support you as much as they can.

Sometimes it is hard to ask for help but you have done that right here. Weather it be with study or personal, there are people willing to help you. Go to your Uni counselor and ask. That is what they are there for. You sound like you have developed a strong hold on what you want in life and that is to not be like your mum. Follow your dream. Study for anyone can be a challenge. (I did it at the age of 46, for the first time in 22 years) Yes I found it extremely hard to the point where I questioned myself about it. Now that I am done I couldn't be happier.

I used it to get the train back on track when my life was crossing tracks as metioned in a previous reply and that did help me alot.

Your partner and family sound very supportive. I am sure they will help you with your struggles both in personal and study.

Hugs to you.

Re: Unsure of my place

Hi @Shameria, Good on you for reaching out. No one should have gone through what you have experienced, but you clearly have gained an amazing inner strength. Like others have said, dont be afraid of asking for help from uni counsellors. I am a uni student myself and have sought the help of uni counsellors, weather its just to chat or to get extensions on assignments or extra time on exams. The uni counsellors can communicate with your teachers to let them know if you are feeling a bit overwhelmed and need a bit of understanding, without divulging anything private. There is no shame dropping your work load and going part-time, at least until you find your feet. 

I know the feeling all too well off feeling like you don't belong, to be honest for me it didnt get easier, but I am at the end of my 4 year degree now and I am so proud of everything I have achieved. Sometimes I feel as though I have to do so much more than everyone else just to be at the same level because of mental health problems. Just know that you arent alone and all the hard work will pay off I promise. 

It might be helpful to join a uni club, maybe a sport group or committee. It may help make you feel more involved with the uni and make some new friends (and looks great on a future CV!). However this can be overwhelming as well, so take care of yourself. 

The first year is always the hardest, second year is much easier, when you have a better understanding of what is expected.I have every faith that you will being an amazing social worker so hang in there and dont be afraid to ask the help you deserve. All the best 🙂  

Re: Unsure of my place

Hi @Shameria. Congratulations for getting into the course of your dreams. The first semester is the hardest one. It's the settling in phase. And I can guarantee you there are a lot of first semester students feeling exactly like you.
The schools counselor would be the first place to go. They are there to helo you navigate this new environment and understand the language. They can help with time management and extra help in particular subjects you may be struggling with. That's what they are there for.
They also offer counseling for those who need it. Or can recommend and refer you onto someone.
In your past - you said you dealt with it. Can I ask how you dealt with it? Did you just try andpush it to the side and get on with tthings? Or did you see a professional - a psychologist or counselor?
I think it might be time for you to see a psychologist who specialises in childhood trauma. Your gp could refer you or the school counselor.
You have had the hardest of upbringing - but you have come along way.
You only have a little further to go - to help heal the past and learn some new coping techniques to help with stress.
Please let us know how you get on.

Re: Unsure of my place

To @utopia, @Billie@Heart@esprit and @Kalliades thank you all for the insane support and words!
I took in all your suggestions and have made an appointment to see a uni counsellor for a time in this week; she seemed very supportive and all too keen to help so this has made me feel less overwhelmed.
Thinking back, uni is a daunting thing for me; being that im the first in my family to ever attend uni and that in high school education wasnt a huge thing and due to my mental health at the time of year 11 and 12, i never really learnt all that much. I passed high school but i cant say i really learnt much.

Going through all that i have, i now use it to my advantage. Yes it was bad but it made me who i am today; it got me where i am today. It sucks that i had to go through all of it to get where i am but i cant dwell on it so instead i make something of it.

I get scared, which is why i posted on here. I get scared of relapsing into my old habits. My mindframe used to  be that its my problem and i didnt want anyone else to deal with what was my issue; it didnt matter what i did to my body and what scars were left cause it was my body and it helped me not feel what was really going on, and i used to think no one could understand how i felt or how to make it go away

I can feel myself relapsing into those old habits and the fear of proving my mother rght; that id go as far as she did in life and become like her and not completeing uni doesnt really help

But talking about it here helped a little; to know im not the only one that struggles and feels out of place and that there is always the support no matter who or where it is so thank you to all of you!

And in response to @utopia, you asked how i dealt with it in my past? Truthfully, i know i didnt deal with any of what had happened in my past; instead i ran. I forced myself to block it all out, i pushed it away and just pretended like it didnt happen until in my mind it hadnt happened. But when push came to shove, numerous incidents were happening at once that i couldnt deal with and started to have reocurring memories of what had happened in my childhood and i couldnt block them out anymore, one by one it felt as if all id ran from and tried so hard to forget came flooding back until i finally couldnt escape it anymore; it was all right infront of me and i couldnt handle any of it. I seen a counselor when i was younger, after starting to live with my dad and it was good, it helped distract me and helped me let go of my feelings towards the issues that had happened but it didnt help me deal with what had happened. It started to help; the counselor and i had talked about it but then he got moved/left (i cannot remember which one it was) and the replacement wasnt the same, i couldnt open up to the new counselor like i had the last so i made it out to my dad and step mum that i was fine and it was no longer needed so it was stopped. Thats when i started learning to force myself to not remember.
I felt lke my dad and step mum were wasting their money as i just couldnt open to the new counselor and it wasnt helping.
I was seeing a counselor whilst in the hospital and she was great; she went above and beyond for me. After being let out of hospital she continued to see me still; we went to bakerys and ate while talking, she had introduced me to her daughter (her daughter owned the bakery that we would go to and eat at) she had helped me with schooling and home life and she had even given me a birthday/xmas card which i still have to this day. But i only had her for a few months as once i turned 18 she could no longer help me.
Thats been about the only professional help ive had with this sort of stuff; til now ive always thought i was fine and the ways of the past were just that, in the past and i was okay but now im not entirely sure if that is the case since all those thoughts i had long ago have resurfeced. 

Re: Unsure of my place

@Shameria. I'm glad you have made an appointment to see the school counselor. They are very good and go out of their way to help the students. So it sounds like thst side of things will be taken care of.
You don't sound like your mother at all. You have wisdom beyond your years. I can't see you ever becoming like her. But I understand that it is a fear that you have.
Do you think it may be time to go back and have another go at therapy - with a psychologist who has experience in childhood trauma?
Is that something that you could do?
And I have to say - I think you are going to be great at your job - when you finish (yes years to go - I know). But having some life experience and understanding and empathy. Ithink you will go a long way.

Re: Unsure of my place

Good evening @Shameria, So very proud of you for making an appointment with the Uni counselor. You are far from anything like your mother as you have now reach out for help in two places: here and uni. For what you have been through, you have your head on your shoulders far extended past your age. Well done and please keep us informed and keep in touch. 

I too have pushed my issues away think I was ok. And yes they have resurfaced. You have already chosen to take back part of yourself by going to uni and doing what you dream to do. Get the guidance you need to get through it and to help you deal with what you need to deal with.

Hugs to you and keep in touch.

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance