Lived Experience Forum

[Shaz51]

@Former-Member, these are for you xoxoxo

and for you too @Maggie , @Owlunar 

friends together forever

[Former-Member]

Thankyou so much @Shaz51 means a lot. I will come back to see pics when they have loaded. 

Big hugs 🤗💜☕️🌺🌸

[Shaz51]

you were told that your mother has kept you under her thumb all your life! - Do you feel that? Does it make sense to you? --- no never @Owlunar , mum was supportive , encouraging all through my life xx

but now because she is frail and not well , that she needs me more

Do you still have trouble if you are really yourself --- I think it is because i was single until i was 43 and then got married with 4 step children

think I need to get back to self love

how about you my second Mum  @Owlunar , do you love where you are now ??

I am , with having different ages and stages through life , now turning 55 this month

and relizing I need to focus on self love more

[Owlunar]

Yes @Former-Member  - my mother was very hard to get on with and was verbally and psychologically abusive toward my brother and me - I have grown out of it and I think I am doing what I can to help other people find that because it really set me free

One subject I plan to explore on this thread is the subject of people-pleasing - it seems to me you were manipulated into taking care of your family and being the helper and doing whatever you could to see that everything was okay - this is a huge responsiblity for a little child

I wasn't - people-pleasing is something I have only recently become aware of. When I was a child I would deliberate set out to rile my mother - I was an obedient child most of the time but what more did she want?

So I see the behaviour of parents as having two causes - somethings are reason and others are excuses - this is complicated because the reasons behind what people do are complex and whether something is an excuse or not is also complex

The truth seems to be that parents sometimes make things hard for their children and this can be passed down generations - 

And this can be so hard to break from - I know how hard

Dec

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar 

i don't know what to write.  just that i struggle hugely with self talk, negtive.

I get into conversations with my head about myself.

i was always 'punished' or 'told off' or 'laughed at' by my family eg. parents and a lot by my mother

my internal dialogue is so strong, it takes over and i then believe my internal voice

this is hard for me, i don't know what else to write at the moment.

hi @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Maggie @Razzle 

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar 

i don't know what to write.  just that i struggle hugely with self talk, negtive.

I get into conversations with my head about myself.

i was always 'punished' or 'told off' or 'laughed at' by my family eg. parents and a lot by my mother

my internal dialogue is so strong, it takes over and i then believe my internal voice

this is hard for me, i don't know what else to write at the moment.

hi @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Maggie @Razzle 

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay 

I understand totally. 

It’s hard to quiten the negative thoughts. Sometimes I quietly tell my thoughts to shut up. Or I try thinking of something positive to replace the negative. It takes determination, I know. But it helps after lots of practice. Deep breathing too. I remind myself to deep breathe. 

Mind you. I have a long way to go. 

🥰🤗

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar are we talking about 'people pleasers' yet or is this going to be in another discussion?? not sure if we have already talked about this.  xx

[Owlunar]

If you saw your mother as encouraging and supportive all your life then that's the voice you listen to - from what you write she always was but amazing that anyone had to tell you that she had been of the thumb-pressing persuasion 

Of course she needs you now she is frail and sick - and I have a lot of understanding about her independence - I feel that way myself

And I think your mum just wants you there - it helps her that you attend to her stuff the way she wants it done but she just needs your company really - and her independence

My life has been difficult but it has also been worthwhile and I don't have personal regrets - I am sorry my mother behaved the way she did but it was her choice if it was possible for her to have a choice - maybe she didn't

My son died when I was 43 Shaz - that was the hardest part of my life - the turning point - that event made me rethink all my values - and yes - I think I have reached the stage of having self-love - if not quite that I have respect for myself and I practise self-care - and as I live alone that is a good idea. However it wasns't until my mother died that I was able to come to terms with so much in my life.

I don't know if I will be truly happy though - because of my son - but that's okay - I don't have to be happy all the time - I am happy enough and find enough to please me in life 

Dec

@Shaz51