13-06-2019 04:03 PM
I really don't know much about you but I will try and answer your post
I am sure you are not a bad person but SA means enough to me to know you are very unhappy and you also say you are being used by your family
One thing I have noticed though my life is that when someone wants you to behave as they choose and not as you choose can be very difficult and if they use manipulation of any kind this can be detrimental and if practised long enough can really tear a person down
I have had this happen to me in my life - I have had my informed decisions held against me - we have to make such decisions as adults and if other people hold this against us this can be really hard
So if you have been used and manipulated by your family then this would not be helpful in you developing self-love and I have to think myself about what self-love is
But I think it is about respecting oneself and being able to hold onto our own values and decisions in spite of the anguish it causes
And as for the other people - esp family members - that is up to them -
But this is a tough situation - I have had trouble with my own family - I spent years away from mine as an adult - I had to maintain the opinions I knew were right and leave my mother to her "being upset" and the rest of my family protecting her
I'd like to know more if you feel like sharing
13-06-2019 04:15 PM
Thanks for your reply @Dec
I can relate to, leaving my mother and family.
That has been extremely difficult, because they all live in the same town.
I don’t often see mother.
But when I do, it sets me backwards in my health.
She likes to pretend the family secrets aren’t real.
She doesn’t want to face the fact that CPTSD is real and is not something that goes away, but one has to learn how to cope with it. Something I still don’t know how to do.
Funny things is, she still expects something from me and is still trying to manipulate me.
I try not to feel guilty not helping, because she is very old.
Yes, I guess I do respect myself enough to distance myself.
You are wise distancing yourself too. Dec.
I feel silly writing all this.
I don’t say much on the forums, because I feel embarrassed, that I’m whinging and really feel I should be supporting people.
But thankyou for including me. That means a lot to me.
13-06-2019 04:19 PM
That harsh parental voice - I don't know if it can be as harsh as any other but it really does stick around and bother us without mercy at times
My mother would be nearly 100 if she was still alive but I can sometimes still hear her - in my adult life I still think she was unreasonable at times and I would feel annihilated - often not knowing what I had done that was wrong and I would really tear myself up about it
But also in my adult life I have been able to see her as she was - I think she was insecure in herself and after she had died I did a deep dive on her - I asked my father's younger brothers about her and one of them was able to fill me in an a great deal - I also went though my own memories and went to the War Memorial in Canberra and found out what I could about her father and saw my mother had a very unhappy life herself and really did not know how manage her own emotions - she was the kind of person who had to be right all the time and different opinions - it seems esp the ones I had - were threatening to her
After that and some therapy I was able to see myself more clearly and could also see that the decisions I made even as a child were okay and I had spent my lifetime doing things to build up my self-esteem
So like you - I choose to listen to other voices - including my own
And you are right - a double-burden is hard to manage - hard to carry though life
From my own experience it was a relief to lay it down
I hope this helps Maggie
13-06-2019 04:28 PM
Hi again @Mumi
You are wise to keep away from your mother and I do know how hard this is - it's amazing how destructive that voice can be too - I hear you
There is no need to be worrying about helping other people - we are here to help people that's true but imo people come here because they need support of different kinds and this is a peer support forum so those who are feeling okay help those who don't - and we all take turns doing this
And there is no need to feel guilty about not seeing your mother because she is old - if she is still trying to manipulate you even after all this time then the situation is toxic and you need to care for yourself
This is something to do with self-care and self-love - learning about ourselves and how others have affected us - learning to put a new DVD on and listening to ourselves
My mother didn't want to go back into things and the family secrets weren't real either - having someone distort our reception of events can be destructive too
It's really hard to be able to start seeing ourselves in a better light and I know this because I have made it through - there is a way
13-06-2019 04:32 PM
@Mumi I'm having one of those really bad days. I understand you when you say you don't want to say how you are really, REALLY. For what it's worth, it's good having you around. You come across as gentle and kind. Sending some kind thoughts your way. 💜💕
13-06-2019 04:34 PM
This is something to do with self-care and self-love - learning about ourselves and how others have affected us, @Dec
yes it seems I have not really been myself , because of my dad`s rejection continueing until he passed away
I fet strange when my father passed away -- it felt i was released
but then I was told mum has kept me under her thumb all my life
13-06-2019 04:38 PM
sounds like your mother was a very harsh woman @Dec
In some ways it does help knowing their background.
My parents had a very difficult background and I know how hard it has been for them.
Mine weren’t harsh, but had a way of making me feel that I was responsible in making my family’s life easier, for most of my life. It has taken many years for me to put boundaries up and to actually stick to them.
As you can imagine, they were not happy about my boundaries and still try to use their anger in getting me to do what they want.
I am mostly able to avoid them all. I don’t spend Christmas or any time with them. I actually have panic attacks if I see any of them and it takes me days to get over it.
The inner child still cries out for “mummy”, which seems silly at my age.
I married very late, because of the soul destroying ways of “family”.
Marriage has been extremely difficult, because of CPTSD and I doubt that I would have married, had I known how difficult it is to live with a man when having to deal with CPTSD.
I am not young any more and would like to think that I will be able to cope with life a little better and enjoy the future.
Yes, family can destroy any kind of self love.
I am glad to read that you seem happier in yourself now Dec.
13-06-2019 04:43 PM
👋 @Shaz51 hugs to you too.
My emotions are all over the place.
I am aching from stress and worry.
Sorry you’re having a bad day too Maggie. 💜
Thankyou again. Dec and Maggie. I feel less alone.
I don’t have friends or family anymore. I had to push everyone away, because it was all too hard.
13-06-2019 04:47 PM
I was sad to lose my father because I was close to him - it was very hard for him during the years I was away from the family and he talked to me about it not long before he died and he informed me of so much I was vindicated
But I wasn't really released until my mother died
I just read back to what you wrote - you were told that your mother has kept you under her thumb all your life! - Do you feel that? Does it make sense to you?
Do you still have trouble if you are really yourself
The more I look into the issue of self-love the more complicated it becomes
If you need urgent assistance, see Need help now
For mental health information, guidance and referrals, see the SANE Help Centre
SANE Forums is published by SANE Australia with funding from the Australian Government Department of Health
SANE Australia ABN 92006533606
PO Box 226 South Melbourne 3205 Australia