Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Nanna10]

I have just joined this forum because our adult son (33) has multiple mental health diagnosis and drug use. For the past 2 years our son has been addicted to (a drug), he has confirmed BPD, Bipolar, ADHD alcohol addiction and now drug addiction.He also smokes, is unemployed (for 2 years because of paranoia brought on by the drug use).  We also are age pensioners and we worked out that we have spent $10,000 this year in money to him personally ($1000 per month) paying his bills, paying for his addictions (including we now realise drug use - although he's very good at covering that up)  We've only recently found out he's been on drugs all this year, after we thought he had been successful in coming off it.  He also is promiscuous and just last week his 4th baby was born to a woman he had casual sex with.  He has 4 children to 3 different mothers.  He's a train wreck, totally out of control, only on Jobsearch allowance; he lives with us part time but when he finds another woman he becomes totally focused on her (they all have multiple children themselves) and every bit of advice and attempts by us to get some direction in his life is greeted with nasty comments, foul language, furious temper etc etc etc.  We are only renting because of trying to give him a home for him and his children to come to on access visits but we can't afford the rent any longer. We lost our house 3 years ago because of the thousands of dollars we have previously spent on him and his ex-wife trying to keep them afloat.  She gave up on him and put him out of the marriage 5 years ago.  I truly think that was the start of his severe mental decline.  Prior to that he was functioning, working etc albeit not an involved dad or husband.  We have a caravan so we are packing up and moving on to live on the road.  We will always be close by to help his children.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Nanna10

A very warm welcome to Sane. For the past 6 years I have struggled similarly with my daughter whom was diagnosised with the same mental health issues as your son (except ADHD). My daughter became rebellious at age 16 because she did not like our rules of no alcohol, drugs, parties and intimidate relations under age - and so she ran away. Whilst out of our care she was sexually groomed, assaulted and abused. She also became addicted to cannabis and drank heavily. Her mental health declined dramatically as a result.

To fast forward 6 years - she put us through hell. We tried everything to help her. She Did nothing to help herself, demanded from us, was verbally and physically violent towards us, damaged property, was lazy in the home, self harmed and would not let us help her. She did work as we gave her "no money". But she clocked up a lot of debts and fines. She verged on breaking the law for a little. After numerous attempts to get through and getting nowhere we finally took the stance of "tough love". It was not an easy road and very emotionally gruelling - but she has now moved out of home and turned a corner for the better, is not taking drugs, is more responsible and her mental health vastly improved. She is now seeking help the healthy way by pursuing a psychologist under the mental health plan. 

Firstly what we had to do because of her drug addiction "was to give her no money". No matter how much she needed it. We did not pay her bills, debts or fines. We did not give into her demands. We would no longer tolerate her disrespect or threats towards us. We asked her to move out - with always letting her know we loved her and would be there for her. We did this to stop enabling her bad habits and irresponsibility. She needed to face the consequences or she would never become a more responsible better person. Her mental health would only decline through supporting her lifestyle habits by offering her money etc.  She is an adult, now 21, and she needed to learn to stand on her own two feet. We took a step back emotionally and financially. The strain and the stress was having a very negative effect on our health. We realised we deserved a life too. 

Watching what our daughter was doing to herself was soul destroying - but nothing else was working. She needed to grow up and be responsible which was never going  to happen whilst we kept bailing her out.

Dear @Nanna10 - you have the loving heart of a mother. But your son is 33 and an adult. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and finances. Going by your post he is not showing you any respect for what you do for him. And he keeps getting worse.  Please tolerate it no longer, not only for your sake but his.

What we did that worked after 6 long suffering years was telling our daughter that although we loved her we would not give her any more money. You should not by your son's irresponsible actions be living in a caravan. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet like our daughter - and she finally is. While addictions are in place his mental health will never improve. While money is provided there is no incentive to give up and he will continue to use you. If he curses you tell him to leave or walk away. Let him know you will no longer tolerate his disrespect - You deserve respect as parents. You have given and put up with more than most loving parents would. He has crossed the boundaries - enough is enough my friend.

Yourself and husband need to have a life also. Your happiness matters and you deserve some life and peace in your latter years. Your son is making his choices - you should not suffer for it constantly or change your life to suit his bad choices. Your son needs to face the consequences of his actions on his own in order to become a better, more responsible individual. It's his life and he made his bed after you constantly trying to guide him for his own welfare. He rejected it outright. He needs to face the consequences in order to grow and learn. And as with our situation tough love is the only way to help towards this. Hope to see you around the forums 🤗

[Nanna10]

Thank you Enigma. We know that in our hearts what we have been doing has been enabling him. Our reason has always been for the benefit of his children (a teenage daughter to one mother, two primary age boys to his ex wife and just a week ago a baby girl to a woman who he had casual sex with). We've been reluctant to banish him to the streets for their sake. But we have learned that he always finds a soft place to full - always another woman! He leaves a trail of destruction behind him with all these relationships and all the young children involved. It's devastating. Can I mention the drug ICE? I don't know if my post will get rejected from mentioning it but it has left wreckage on him physically, mentally, financially every aspect of life is controlled by it. We see no other option but to get out of the house and travel so he doesn't have a home to come back to. 

[Former-Member]

Hello dear @Nanna10

It must be so devastating for you. The drug Ice destroys the mind and body so fast, I could very well imagine the destruction of its effects. It can invoke such violence in those who are addicted, I can understand what you are saying by taking steps to prevent him from returning to the family home. Your son presently would present a danger to anyone. My daughter was like that at one stage, she did become violent some years back and we took an AVO out on her and had to put her out of the home at that time. She also consumed dangerous drugs like meth, so I understand what you mean. It all started with the gateway drug cannabis, which in itself after heavy usage inflicted psychotic episodes. No one was safe around her when she was like this.

Yes, ice and similar drugs are hugely addictive, but our children chose to take it and with the right help they need to come of it to escape the devastating effects on them physically, mentally, emotionally and financially and to regain their lives back. Would their children benefit and be mentally and physically safe watching their demise and possible drug induced episodes? The grandchildren would benefit from your love.

Tough love does come with its risks, but with nothing else working my daughter would have self destructed and eventually of died anyway, or not had a good life. We realised this and took a step back to let her learn and work it out for herself. She was the only one who could choose change. And when addicted like this it has to be an act of will to really want it. It was soul destroying to watch and at times I thought I would die inwardly. The stress was slowing killing us.

I don't have all the answers but in my experience sometimes a person has to hit the streets and hit rock bottom to find the will to become clean from drugs, to find themselves again if nothing else helps them to do so. Whilst your son has a soft place to fall or is given money, this is unlikely to happen. 

I so feel for you as I know just how hard this is to live through.