Hi everyone! I hope we're all staying safe and well during this difficult time. I'm new to this site, and I thought I'd reach out to this awesome online platform to both share my story and reach people in similar (or perhaps different) situations, because things are getting just that little bit harder at the moment. I hope this all makes sense and maybe rings true with others so we can support each other.
To begin, I'm 20 years old and live in Melbourne. My experiences with mental health illness began at the end of Year 11. I remember feeling 'off'. I didn't know what it was - but I knew something was wrong and I wasn't myself. First I thought I wasn't getting enough sleep, so I took naps throughout the day. Then I thought it was bright lights, so I wore sunglasses. I'd talk to my family about my feelings, and also try to rationalise things in my head, saying that anyone would feel this way going into Year 12 at school (which perhaps was true - it's a difficult year of course).
In retrospect, at that time, I began developing what I think (at least) is a difficult cycle of worry that can occasionally bring on difficult and uncomfortable physical signs of anxiety. Whether it be some type of GAD or social anxiety - I'm not sure - but it's stuck with me ever since and literally enveloped my life. I've always had high expectations of myself and strived for some sort of 'perfection', and so I think those values triggered intrusive thoughts of worry going into Year 12. And those thoughts in turn began a cycle difficult to break (ie. I've worried in the exact same way for a very long time).
Initially, things were really tough because I didn't know what was happening to me. For a long time I labelled it as some sort of out-of-body experience because I felt so connected to my thoughts (and not as much my body); I was identifying with my thoughts of worry. And that of course brought about more worry.
Since the end of Year 11, I have seen two psychologists about my thoughts and feelings. I'm currently experiencing CBT with my second psychologist (who views my experiences as social anxiety and worry), which does really help in the sense that I can understand and identify my worry thoughts and recognise them as only that - thoughts. However, things haven't really improved over time in the way I want them to. I don't know whether to accept how I think, or try and change it. I don't really know how to continue approaching this.
I tend to experience what I call cycles, where some days are better than others, and other days are extremely severe in the sense that all I think are my worry thoughts for some time (ie. a worry episode). I am definitely more comfortable now than I was years ago, but I still haven't worked out how to live comfortably with my mind. I've tried meditation, breathing exercises and muscle relaxation, which definitely help my anxiety if I'm feeling off, but my worry thoughts always remain, always there, no matter what I do (the extent differs as I said before though).
My own version of worry mostly culminates as 'shoulds' and 'catastrophic thinking'. I tend to worry about things that really can't or wouldn't happen given real evidence in life. I tend to always think to myself: "should I be doing this?" or "should I stop doing this?" or "should I be thinking this way?". It occasionally paralyses me, even when I try to employ techniques I've somewhat 'refined' over the years to help myself. Although there's never any evidence in life for these worries, my mind also thinks in worst-case scenarios sometimes - whether that be resorting to thoughts of annoying a friend, crashing a car, or some sort of self-harm (I do not in any way have these intentions - but my mind seems to think on this occasionally just to jump to some sort of worst-case situation). My thoughts also connect to my behaviours; I'd feel anxious around others and maybe not be able to look them in the eyes or sometimes fumble my words.
Because I always tend to push and challenge myself, I've developed the ability to continue to experience the activities I want to in my life (obviously that's a little hard with COVID now though). But it's really hard to enjoy them. For example, with friends, I feel like I'm there with them, but sometimes I feel like... I'm not. More in my head.
Of course, as with all things in life, sometimes things suck and sometimes things are really nice. I just really wanted to reach out on this forum because I hadn't done it before and it seems like an incredible opportunity to talk. I'd like to finish by saying that I am so much more comfortable now than I was years ago, and I guess that just came with time and understanding, but sometimes things are still pretty tough.
I hope this makes sense in any way with you as the reader. I've tried to tell my story to the best of my ability and I hope through this we can connect with each other even more.
Thanks so much 🙂
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