Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi @Tuc

When illegal drug abuse is in the mix triggering complex mental health issues with a young person crossing the line stating the way it is over the parents and all their household rules and values - "It becomes a very different situation to a normal teenage rebellion phase entering into adulthood". If it continues it empowers and enables further disrespectful, instability and bad behaviour which can become abusive. That was our experience with our daughter. 

What boundaries did we put in place with our daughter? If she continued to be disrespectful constantly, abuse us and in any way was violent or aggressive towards us - she would no longer be able to live under our roof. She did in fact stay in a shelter for awhile when she attacked us. When she did finally come back home it was under the agreeance she would respect us and do a few things around the house. The drug taking was off and on. Cannabis led to other harder drugs for a short period of time. She herself came off them as they did damage to her physically which frightened her and she backed off. Thankfully she survived.

I am sorry I can't paint a brighter picture but this was the reality of addiction & mental illness - our children's choices have consequences and we can't protect them from this or make them stop after the age of 16 as our parental rights have been stripped legally. So by law they are young adults in charge of their own lives. I agree - very hard to watch. We can only advise and be there to pick up the pieces. There is nothing else we can do but love them, but we also have a right to respect and peace in our own home. That line can't be crossed formour own health and mental well being. 

It was a bumpy long road ( a long story) but she is much easier to live with now. We are very close now as she knows we love her and are there for her - but that does not incorporate being disrespected in our own home. She slips very ocassionally as no one is perfect but apologises as she knows we are serious with our boundaries. That has helped her to practise restraint and her relations at work and the outside world. 

I read in the one of the above posts mention of support groups for parents in a similar situation - I would highly recommend that. And the advice of doing those things that you use to derive pleasure and personal satisfaction from. That will ensure you remain psychically and mentally strong for your son when he comes back to you. Talking this through yourself with a psychologist for guidance and support may be of help for you to attain this. Wishing your family healing and peace. Keep strong.

[Tuc]

Thanks for your advice. From a boy who has been very much anti drugs and alcohol up until several months ago, I know he has been experimenting with both. This on top of anti depressant, anti psychotic and ADHD medication. The lies and paraphenalia i find snooping confirm this. I cant divulge my sources to him with how I know he is lying about his vague whereabouts, or to let him know I have been snooping so I have my hands tied a bit. He knows our thoughts on it as we had a blow up recently when he was caught , was extremely remorseful, and now I know is doing it again. Is  there any help for BEFORE drugs become an addiction or ongoing problem ? It seems no matter how much we have drummed into our children's psyches the danger of drugs, some just don't listen!

[Tuc]

I like your analogy here of my 16yo transitioning into an adult house sharing situation with us and to speak to him less like a parent. He clearly does not want to be parented, but I also believe in discipline and boundaries so find it hard to not get cross if he is not acting appropriately. He is constantly being told by his father look what you are doing to your mother? I know my son feels bad about this , and says he shouldnt be responsible for my happiness. Clearly he is , but my husband says look how you are hurting your mum by your behaviours and points them out..I always end up in tears and my husband ends up in a full blown argument with a 16yo who will always get the last word.  He has said to us when you fight me, i will fight back harder. He is impossible at the moment. As I said , normal teenage rebellion on steroids plus ongoing mental health problems as well. We currently see a psychologist every two weeks and psychiatrist every 2-4 weeks and I have really not seen much improvement . My husband has been convinced right from the beginning if we took his mobile phone away from him we wouldnt have half the problems we have, and social media, snap chat etc have a lot to answer for. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Tuc .....

Here is a resource specific to the questions you have, operated by people heavily experienced and committed to helping support families in exactly your predicament.

http://www.fds.org.au

Down the left hand margin of the website you will find these topic headers :

• Home
• Contacts 
• Useful links
• Coping tips
• Dealing with conflict
• Setting boundaries

..... and more.

Pursuing support, including a helpline, with this resource and others similar in nature is maybe what you need in addition to the empathy and support you will find here amongst parent peers.  They are the ones who will be able to advise you about what can be done to try to intervene early in the problem.

Please feel free to keep chatting with us about how things are as you find your way forward.  Despite professional services, sometimes you will just need a shoulder to cry on, or to have a big vent about things ..... but also to share the successes when they happen too.

Here and listening.  

Drugs haven’t been an issue for us (as in our family) ... we have different addictions on board.  @Former-Member has mentioned her daughter’s struggle with drugs ..... with our son and daughter it has been the anxiety and depression issues, (along with some other things) .... others have had experiences with suicide ideation.  This is a community where members hear and understand, and can share their experiences with you .... what did and didn’t work for them.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Tuc

Just to clarify that my daughter was diagnosed and suffers the mental disorders "Borderline Personality Disorder", had periodic psychotic episodes, bi-polar disorder with major depression, anxiety and suicide ideation. She has attempted suicide 3 times. There is a history of mental illness in my family but her issues was triggered "by sexual andpsychological abuse from partners". 

She rebelled exactly as your son did, and dressed "Goth" and "Emo" until recently.  She self harmed and "turned to drugs as a way of coping", not the other way around (the mental ills came before the drugs but the latter triggered the psychosis). Many whom suffer mental illness and trauma turn to drugs and alcohol to self medicate which the further worsens their mental condition. Judging by your posts this is also what your son is doing, as my daughter did.

The best help for your son to receive to help not go down the road to addiction is for him to receiving counselling and to be honest and talk openly about what he is feeling and the pain/issues he is experiencing. But the catch 22 is that "he has to want to do this". He has to want to help himself. Also the best help is to let him know and learn the consequences of taking drugs and not pander to him when they hit and not give him any money so he can't buy them. Don't lWe warned our daughter about the dangers of drugs too, and you are right - it does not always work. When the pain is bad enough they just want to feel better - so addressing the problems that are triggering their mental issues may help them release their pain in healthier ways and not seek to escape it through drugs. I found the more I was at my daughter to stop - the more she wanted to rebel. There is a time we have to step back and just be there.

Our daughter also atttended headspace. They latter offered us an apology when realising they believed our daughter over us when she said we were the problem. They advised her to leave and put space "between that toxic environment". This encouraged her to break our rules and boundaries and to be taken advantage of outside our loving protection. Our parenting rights were stripped. They tend to blame parents, but with us they saw after some time how supportive and caring we were and how volitile and rebellious she could be; and the fact she did want to live with us and missed us.  I would personally from experience seek out independent counselling. 

Now she is respectful  to us and wiser with our guidance, learning the hard way and our support but still suffers the former mental disorders; but has improved much and is improving all the time. Unfotunately she never stayed with professional counselling (one or two sessions - found it too hard to talk about and has trust issues). And I am still trying to encourage the latter as I believe that would further help and resolve much of her emotional anguish. But she is so much better, working and leading a relatively functional and normal existence. Hang in there - as there is hope 😊

What I found the most helpful was to talk and attend support groups with other parents and carers who we're going through similar with their son/daughter who could relate and offer the best possible advice and support.

[Former-Member]

Meant to add @Tuc - Our children are not responsible for our happiness, they are only responsible for their own life and choices/actions. And if they cross boundaries set with no consequences they will grow in disrespect, with resulting problems in relationships in all walks of life (partners, friends, family, authority and work etc) as others wont tolerate it like we do. Their mental health and ability to function in the outside world will further decline as a result. So I agree with you on the neccesity of boundaries and respect in the home. We gave our daughter no money or privileges or did her no favours in the early part, she had to earn it; I did not pamper or pander to her demands or go out of my way for her - that was some of the consequences. 

I agree with strongly with your husband about social media etc - as this is where they learn and are influenced by a lot of this "emo", and related music mentality and predators - afflicted upon immature suggestive minds. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Yes ..... as kindly as you can to avoid power struggles, but very firmly stating that these are the “house rules” and must be respected for the sake of everybody.  

Part of rebellion can be a testing of boundaries ..... and the young adults want to know that we love them enough, and respect their need for solid values enough, to uphold boundaries ..... but choose your battles.  Don’t try to crack down on everything all at once or it’s too overwhelming for everybody concerned, and you will have trouble trying to enforce rules in all directions at once.

The primary focus needs to be on respect, in my experience, but from an “it’s only right / fair” standpoint rather than an “I am the parent and you must obey me” position.  I often began a conversation with, “For a household to work properly, we all need to ..... (xyz) .... it’s the same rules for everybody”.

And then notice every positive effort made ..... quietly acknowledge every attempt to co-operate or do the right thing .... 

[Faith-and-Hope]

How are you going @Tuc ?

Thinking of you ......

[Carerofpotsie]

My child goes to head space I got called in and told my child had been having suicidal thoughts and then talk through the plan but it included not telling me if things were getting worse but to tell a friends instead. Which I’m like um how does that help when I’m sitting here and your telling my child to tell some one else rather than the one person who is able to get them help. Sorry but I think you have dodged a bullet. In not getting accepted. I think it’s better to deal with professionals who know what they are doing and have more expertise in this area. I spent most of last night feeling like going to sleep would not be an option and trying to listen in to convos between my child and his friend that was over. Just in case.

[Lauz]

Hi everyone, 

Its really important to note that everyone's experience with service providers is very different and unique. Each Headspace centre is different as well as the professional's within each headspace. I'm sorry to hear you didn't have a great experience @Carerofpotsie. It's really important to feel like you can raise your concerns with any mental health professional. It can be really hard when you aren't feeling good about the support that is being offered. 

Even though it's challenging, keep reaching out and all the best @Tuc