Lived Experience Forum

[Engineer]

Hi All,

Sorry ... long rambling post. I have read all the prior posts on here about loneliness and the guides.

I posted on here over 7 months ago about being new to WA and struggling to cope with extreme feelings of loneliness. I thought I would give an update and seek advice as I am still majorly struggling .... especially as I have been off work and bed ridden for 2 weeks with illness, which eventually developed into COVID (despite 3 x Vax) so I am now half way through 7 days of isolation. So basically 3 weeks with minimal people interaction.

I am a single 50 year old male and work full time 5 days a week.

Over many years I have tried psychiatrists and psychologists and vast array of medications with seemingly minimal improvement..

When physically well, I keep up an exercise regime including riding bike to and from work, attending gym, running several times a week with a run group, at parkrun and Orienteering events (both on foot and on mountain bike). I try to interact with strangers at parkrun and run group.

As I simply couldn't cope with coming home to an empty house each night .... I got a tenant. We became good friends and would do things together like walks, rides and sometimes movies plus we would talk about each others days. He moved out recently to be with his family (who just relocated to Australia) and I got a new tenant a week or so back ... but since I have been sick she has been keeping to herself to ensure she doesn't get COVID. I will try and talk to her more but it appears unlikely it will develop into a connection similar to what I had before.

I can't have a pet in my rental. Its not permitted and the yard is all concrete so its not viable.

I regularly (if not obsessively) attend meetup events including walks, hikes, dinner nights, bowling, discussion groups, group pool (as in with cues),  cards and board games. Before getting sick I was almost attending one daily, sometimes multiple on weekends, and it wasn't filling the void. My communication skills have dramatically improved and I can talk to strangers easily and people seem genuinely interested in interactions but it never seems enough. There are people I talk to again and again upon return to the same meetup and they look forward to seeing me again.

I have investigated options for Mens Sheds, Rotary and other volunteer organisations but haven't yet visited them as constantly juggling with time plus my past experience is they are older retired people where I won't find a connection.

I have tried dating sites and met multiple people, sometimes for repeated dates, but the rejection and ghosting rate is very very high. Its really hard to not take this personally but all the men/women I talk about are all totally over the modern dating scene. Its a nightmare.

So I am at the point of frustration and exhaustion. Whilst I can be frantically busy driving from event to event .... I am completely over doing it all by myself. It got to the point I was doubling my efforts, and doubling again, and doubling again. I talk to my work colleagues and my life is busier than all of them now .... but whilst I have made some contacts I still can't seem to fill the void and certainly can't get what I crave which is a long term stable relationship.

My love language is touch and I don't know how to live without it. Someone suggested I add dancing to my activities (but I am hopeless) simply so I could be held a few times a week as a stop gap since I can't get what I want yet.

Can anyone else suggest alternatives I am missing?
People tell me I am doing all the right things but I am at the point of exhaustion and still can't fill the void.
I keep thinking I just need to do more and its not working no matter how much effort I expend.
Or can people suggest stop gaps for that human connection / touch / interaction whilst I can't seem to get in a relationship (and no I don't mean one night stands or friend with benefits or anything like that).

[TideisTurning]

Hi @Engineer & welcome back to the Forums 😊 I'm TideisTurning, one of the Peer Support Workers here. It sounds like there've been a few challenges to try to navigate and get through. I am also hearing though how much and how hard you've tried- amazing! Also, your level of self awareness is a huge strength in terms of being able to identify what may or may not help you. It can be so frustrating though when we know what we need, but for whatever reason, can't or struggle to fulfil those needs. In terms of touch, I've heard some people say that giving themselves a hug helps. I wonder if that's something you may like to try? 
I'm also going to tag some others who may be able to relate and offer some other ideas 😊 @BlueDog1 @MDT @chibam @Appleblossom @Snowie @Delicatessen @jumble @Lila3 @TAB @Oaktree . We also held a peer group chat on the topic of loneliness not too long ago- the transcript is here in case it may be of interest 😊

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Engineer 

Hearing you about trying all the options and still feeling lonely.  Good you had that time with your old tenant.  Maybe something similar will show up socially, just hang in there.

Not sure if this is relevant, but it makes me laugh ...  No LIghts No Lycra ... dance events.

it would not matter if you were any good at dancing

We had some over east. Not sure if they still run.

Sorry to hear of your illness. 

Get well soon.

Apple

[Engineer]

Thanks @TideisTurning I read all the things included in the link / attachment.

I have 4 days of COVID isolation to go and would do anything for a hug from someone who remotely cares.

[TideisTurning]

🤗🤗🤗@Engineer 

[MDT]

Hi @Engineer
I'm 28 male.
The dating situation is something I can totally agree with.
I think these days it is hard.

Everything else you speak of is important too.

Welcome back to the forums

I'm thinking @TAB @Bill16 are two guys nearer your age. No offence haha.

But yeah happy to see you back and look forward to speaking more mate

[MDT]

The idea of entropy is interesting too while thinking of it.

Its basically where things wittle down to a point. But at that point it's only up from there. It's like we get withered down and to a point where there's nothing other than improvement.

I think its from science but I heard it used in a mental health context.

The idea conveyed is that we get to a point where we are at bare minimum. But it also is at this point where we realise things can only improve.

Please excuse my musings but I hope it is helpful

[TAB]

I have subscribed @MDT will reply later when have time for what its worth

[Snowie]

Hi @Engineer 

Welcome back to the Sane forums.

Sounds like you are going through so much at the moment and trying your best to cope with it all

Around if you need a chat 

[Engineer]

@Snowie yes I would love to have someone else to chat to.