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Looking after ourselves

Shaggy
Casual Contributor

I think I have had enough

Hi,

I am a writer and by that I mean I like to journal rather than 'speak' my experience. In fact, I have written my memoirs (unpublished) about my previous life of more than 30 years with an undiagnosed schizophrenic husband. (He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and PTSD but I definitely think it was a misdiagnosis). I tried my best to love and support his crazy ideas, his addiction to sex and pornography, his devil-may-care attitude to money, his manipulation, and lies. But the straw that broke the camel's back was finding that he had sexually abused our youngest son when he was at home looking after him because my schizophrenic husband had lost his job. The pain I felt and the pain I am still dealing with is horrific.
 
The man that I should have been able to trust totally betrayed our family and never even apologised. He had many sexual encounters with other women ranging from one-night stands with prostitutes to hooking up with swingers. He abused my children. He abused me. Needless to say, we are divorced.
 
My middle son (I have 3 sons) was diagnosed with schizophrenia about 18 months ago. He was also sexually abused (by a family 'friend') when he was 12 years old. He is now 33 years old. My middle son has wreaked havoc on our family. He is just like his father. Every time we let him 'in' to the family circle, he behaves kindly for a while but then when he becomes unwell, he plays the victim card and turns the tables against himself. His latest painful accusation is that his younger brother is lying about the abuse his father put him through and in fact, according to my middle son, both of his brothers are out to get him. Clearly, he is unwell but I can't seem to get past the hurt he has caused our family. He is clever and cunning and does things like recording telephone conversations without our knowledge and threatening to give them to his father. Both my eldest and youngest sons have been traumatized by his behaviour. In a vain effort to include my middle son in family gatherings and events, I have maintained a relationship with him. I have given him thousands of dollars over the years which he has never paid back. He has said he will do things and he never does them. He has lied. He has got his life together and then let it fall apart by not taking his meds (which I have tried in vain to help him with). I cannot care for him anymore. I am spent.
 
I read about carers through the Sane online forums who are putting themselves through hell in order to care for their loved ones and I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I am literally at the end of my tether. I can't be a 'carer of a loved one' anymore because I don't care. I love him but I don't care. I cannot believe that I gave birth to a person who was raised with love, hugs, support, education, time, moral values, principles, and care, and yet he is so unreachable. He takes and takes and takes and never gives anything back. He has never bought me a birthday card and hints that I should spend $500 on a camera for him on his birthday. 
 
Tonight he was supposed to get his monthly antipsychotic injection from the psychiatrist and stay with my second husband and me for the night but he hasn't shown up. I know he has gone 'underground' again. I don't want to let him go but I can't do this anymore. I read of parents who run after their unwell adult children and I ask myself what is wrong with me? He says he wants to move interstate and begin a new life. I actually hope he will do this and that I never hear from him again. And then I feel guilty. When is enough, enough? I think back to the last time he was in the hospital awaiting an assessment from the psychiatric registrar and he ran away. It was 2.30 am and he left the hospital and ran down a dark alley in the middle of a city and I ran after him! What was I thinking??? I ended up phoning my husband to come and get me. I was frightened. I was vulnerable. I was putting my own safety ahead of my son. 
 
What should I do? Do I let him loose? I have called his psychiatrist and told him (his receptionist) that my son is unwell. I have tried everything. I have budgeted for him. I have cooked for him. I have cleaned for him. I have accompanied him to Dr's appointments. I have allowed him to live at home with me. I have paid for his accommodation elsewhere. I have sat through intense conversations with him until I am exhausted only to find that nothing has changed. I have kept his 'secrets' which concern me. I never know when I can believe him or not. 
 
I suspect that I am no longer a carer of a 'loved one'. I want to let him go. And yet the guilt is tough. Is there anyone else out there who has lived this with an adult son? Shaggy_0-1653695494170.png

 

 
 
11 REPLIES 11

Re: I think I have had enough

Dear @Shaggy ,

 

There is only so much you can do. MH recovery is in the hand of the individual. Your son is an adult and he is responsible for his actions. You have done what any mother would do - it is now time that you care for yourself and consider you own needs. 

This doesn’t mean you reject your son. I believe much of his behaviour is his illness speaking and not him. 

Im not sure if he is on a community treatment order?

 

Whatever it is, set clear boundaries e. He is welcome to functions if he has taken meds etc. It’s something you can discuss with him when he is well enough to take it in.

 

I don’t think it’s fair you hold back on your life when (from what I perceive), there’s little effort on his part. What do you think?

 

Then again, every situation is different. I don’t think you should feel guilty. Guilt eats your life away.

 

Do you have a support network or therapist you can speak to for yourself?

 

BPDSurvivor

Re: I think I have had enough

Thank you so much BPDSurvivor,
Your words are wise. I didn't even know there was such a thing as a community treatment order. I will be making an appointment to see my therapist on Monday. I really appreciate your response. Thank you.

Re: I think I have had enough

Hi @Shaggy   Please let go of the guilt as it serves no purpose other than to slowly eat away at you. I have experienced with my daughter, so much of what you are experiencing with your son and my family was suffering, has suffered. There came a time where I had to decide enough is enough as we were all sliding down the slippery path. I had to step back and allow what’s happened since to take place. By stepping back, yes she hit rock bottom but from that came the help she had needed for so long and although it was and is heart wrenching as her mother to see her go through it, I knew in my heart it was the only way. My girl has drug induced schizophrenia but is now on the right medication and receiving daily support through NDIS and the Community Mental Health Team. I simply couldn’t save her and was drowning trying to. She hasn’t spoken to me for a couple of years now but I know she is safe and being well supported. Guilt still creeps in at times but I had to way up whether having my whole family fall apart and suffer through the emotional turmoil of my daughters illness was a price I was willing to pay and it wasn’t. We all have our own path to stumble along in this life. My girl knows she is truly loved and supported by us but now from a distance. She is also an adult at 28 and all I can do is hope, despite her illness, that she makes wiser choices. Breathe. 🙏❤️

Re: I think I have had enough

Thank you Krishna for taking the time to connect with me and share words of encouragement. It's such a relief to know that other parents have to do this too.❤️

Re: I think I have had enough

Hi @Shaggy   You’re definitely not alone with this struggle. Just so you know, when replying to a forum member, type @ and then choose the name on the drop down list and they will receive a notification of your reply. I’m currently waiting on my daughters decision as to whether she wants to meet up with her dad and myself. Keeps changing her mind leaving us in limbo. I’d love to see my girl but feeling quite anxious at the same time as there’s been quite a decline in her cognitive function in the past 2 years, I’ve been told and I know if we do connect, the waterworks will start with me and I’m so done with crying. I’ll just have to hold it together. 

Re: I think I have had enough

@Krishna thank you for your response. I am finding the navigation of the forum a little challenging but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it soon. I have taken your advice and I am remembering to breathe. Putting boundaries in place which are long overdue.

 

Yesterday my son called me and asked for money...again. I said no. I have never done that before. He is on a very slippery slope and I have always saved him from himself in the past but I can't do that anymore. I have my own life to live. He is doing something illegal. He has asked me not to tell. He thinks the police are after him. He has changed his phone number 5 times in the last 2 weeks. Now I can't contact him at all. I don't know where he lives but I do know that he told his flatmate that he would be moving out at the end of next week. He has nothing except his car which he says he will sell to fund a move interstate. He will have an accident on purpose if no one offers to buy his car. He will be able to claim insurance and would rather take the insurance money than wait to sell the car. He is manipulative and extremely clever. He has done this before. He is delusional and psychotic. He has been 'doctor shopping' and managed to get back into his old drug habit. He told me that a doctor thought it would be good for him. I don't believe him. I actually don't even know if the 'doctor' exists. I offered to accompany him to see a doctor if he needed moral support but he said he's a big boy now and doesn't need me. He said that he knows what his body needs and he needs his drug of choice.

 

He is complaining of drooling and slurred speech. He says he is unfit to drive because he is uncoordinated and has rear-ended 2 cars (very gently) and told me the drivers of the cars were 'unreasonable' but he drove 30 kilometers yesterday to an appointment because he thought it was Thursday. Yesterday was Sunday. I am not going to call his psychiatrist because he told me not to. I am not going to call his flatmate because he told me not to. He has asked me to stay out of his life. 

I am waiting for the call from the police or the hospital to tell me he's either dead or he's been sectioned (which has happened before) or that he's been charged and needs bailing out. I won't put bail up for him because he is a danger to himself and others. 

 

Today I cut him loose. I love him but he really isn't a very nice person. He has no moral compass when he's ill. I am sorry that he's made so many dumb choices in life. I am sorry that he doesn't learn from his mistakes the way other people do.

Re: I think I have had enough

I feel your pain. I am going through a very similar situation with my adult son( he’s 33), i too have been unable to find a solution and like you I am in a state of despair. Advice is great but it’s easier said than done. My son is schizoaffective and very complex , sounds very similar to your situation. I’m also afraid of him and every time the phone rings I am having “weird” physical responses, I’m so sick of talking about him and with him, it seems to be a very serious issue with no solutions, I am the last man standing and the thought of abandonment is gut wrenching….. feeling quite helpless.

Re: I think I have had enough

Hi @Gloria,

Welcome to the forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is really great that you have reached out and shared you story with us. It is also really brave of you to share your experience with us.

I'm sorry to read about what you are going through - whilst I don't know very much about schizophrenia I do have a close family member with a serious mental health disorder that I care for. You mentioned that you are afraid of your son - I just want to check that you (or any one in your house, including your son) are safe? Please call 000 immediately if you are in immediate danger.

I understand when you say you are the `last man standing'. I feel the same way in relation to my family member. Other family members don't help and my family member has no friends that he interacts with so outside his professional team I am the only support he has. It's not easy and it can be challenging. It's good that you are sharing on the forums - I find support from other people who have lived the experience is one of the most beneficial ways of coping.

Just some housekeeping - if you want to respond to someone directly just type the `@' symbol directly before their name and a box should appear. Click on their name and they will get a notification that you are responding directly to their message. 

I really do wish you all the best,

FloatingFeather

Re: I think I have had enough

Hi @Gloria 

 

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your son, it must be so challenging and worrying for you. I just want to let you know about Carer's Gateway. Their website is here.

They offer support for carers of someone with a mental illness and may be a good resource for you.

 

Sending hugs

Hanami

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