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Self-compassion – how to put it into practice

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This article was written by one of our SANE Forum Moderators - @Tortoiseshell 

 

You’ve probably heard the phrase “be kind to yourself.” Perhaps when you were going through a tough time or someone heard you being especially hard on yourself. But what does it actually mean? Having a bubble bath? Gagging that self-critical voice? For those who find this concept a bit mysterious, we’ll talk through how to put self-compassion into practice. 

 

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a loving and caring feeling that arises in response to our own suffering. It reduces our ‘threat’ system and stress hormones and activates the systems associated with love and bonding. This increases feelings of safety, security, and connectedness. Long-term this has benefits for mental health issues and stress. Kristin Neff has written and taught extensively on self-compassion, and put a real spotlight on how to apply it in everyday life. In practice it has three elements:

 

Mindfulness: We mentioned self-compassion is a response to our own suffering. This means we have to be present to some extent with our suffering for feelings of compassion to arise. That’s where a mindful attitude comes in. It helps us observe the pain without resisting it or letting it become the whole story of who we are.

 

Recognising the common humanity of pain and suffering: Often when we suffer we feel isolated, feeling that we are the only one to make mistakes, fail, or feel pain. Recognising our common humanity means acknowledging it is human to suffer. This increases feelings of connectedness and reduces self-criticism.

 

Kindness to self: When times are tough, we often criticise or berate ourselves. Self-kindness is treating ourselves in a way that is kind, supportive, and caring. Imagine your response when a friend is suffering. Chances are you say kind words or offer some help. Self-kindness is applying this response to ourselves too.

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Self-compassion exercises

Self-compassion is a skill that can be learnt. Here are a few exercises to experiment with:

 

  • Journal self-compassionately: Write down something you are struggling with at the moment using the elements of self-compassion (something not too painful to start off with). Mindfully label what you are feeling, also noticing where you are being critical of yourself, or where you are building up an upsetting story: “See, I knew it, I am a failure!” Then notice if you are feeling isolated in this struggle? Can you remind yourself of how this is a human experience? Lastly, write yourself some kind and supportive words that you would give to someone you care about: “I’m sorry you’re going through this, I care about you, I want to support you.”

  • Again, write down something minor you are struggling with at the moment. Then imagine that a friend you care for has written this. What would you say to them? How would you support or encourage them?

  • Try the inverse of this – in response to what you have written, imagine what a really supportive person in your life would say to you. They can be a person from your past, present, or a figure in your faith.

  • Ask yourself, “what do I need right here, right now?” This is a way of tuning into your own needs like a supportive person or parent would do.

  • Try a self-compassion meditation on insight timer.

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Know your limits

For some people, it does not feel safe to be self-compassionate. For people who have experienced trauma, a lack of safety, or very distressing experiences, these practices can highlight how difficult conditions were in the past or are right now. For some, being tough or ‘self-critical’ might have been learnt or role modelled as the only way to get by in the world, so trying out self-compassion might feel unsafe and threatening. 

 

It’s important we pay attention to our limits in trying out self-compassion exercises. It is normal for it to feel a bit uncomfortable, as for self-compassion to work we have to be present with suffering. Pay attention to your body, thoughts, and feelings, and whether it feels manageable. If it is overwhelming, step away and do something practical and grounding like petting an animal, getting a drink, or going for a walk. You can always come back and try again.

 

If self-compassion exercises feel overwhelming

  • Any activities that meet your needs are a good substitute – walking the dog, getting outside, listening to music, having a cuppa, or seeing people you trust.
  • Explore mindfulness, yoga, or breathing exercises that help you feel more comfortable being present with emotional pain.
  • Get support from a counsellor, psychologist, or mental health professional. Ask them about self-compassion.
  • Experiencing a compassionate therapeutic relationship with your mental health professional can also be a way of developing self-compassion.
  • If you are struggling with isolation, check out our online mental health forum to connect with others concerned about mental health issues.

 

Keep practicing

Self-compassion is a skill and one that definitely doesn’t come naturally for a lot of us. However, with practice, self-compassion provides a source of inner strength that can support us through tough times and help our mental health in the long term.

 

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38 Comments

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Appleblossom
Community Elder

Hello @Former-Member 

I am so glad you posted that.

 

I feel the same. Mainly the last one. The dog was signs were not too bad.  The last one was so immature and could trigger me into all the things that I did not have. It is the reason I did not support the original post, which I intended to do til I saw that gif.

 

I have posted generally a lot on the forums about self kindness and compassion Not sure where all the ideas really come from.  Need to credit myself sometime ... not some tacky techno ...

 

sorry mods.

 

Dont mean to be repeatedly critical, but honestly can you imagine how it looks to someone who has gone through my story ... makes me feel like I do not belong here ...

Former-Member
Not applicable

Hello @Appleblossom  thank you for your reply, I do hope the gifs haven't upset you.  I just don't understand how I can't tolerate them. The constant movement and repetition regardless of the content. I have to put my hand over the ones that come up on the web. Does anyone know why this affects me?

take care.

LostAngel
Senior Contributor

Thank You @nashy for the reminder of self care and also whoever shared the self pity verses compassion post Maybe thats why Im sometimes feeling as though thinking of myself is selfish to do so Id rather just give my all to others instead if that makes sense maybe I get mixed up between wether Im being Compassionate or just pittying myself and t be honest I do do both ,Particualery in trying to keep showing those around me that Im in control of things even when maybe Im not which is exhausting to say the least but yes its a ballancing act of on the one hand needing to take care of our own needs but also making sure we dont self indulge too much and I guess Id much rather encourage others rather than have others encourage me cause I dont want to be pittying myself Id rather be the one feeling sorry for others is that makes sense and maybe sometimes I try to hard to appear as though everythings put together on the outside while on the inside not always expressing what I truely need to express to people which is frustrating but I very much am no responsiblity either when it comes from being responsible towards not only my actions but a huge idea of me needing to be responsible for others as well so I guess that means I can one extreme or the other extreme of giving all or giving nothing,its very hard for me to let go of some responsibilities and just have fun 

nashy
Senior Contributor

Hey there @Former-Member and @Appleblossom We are sorry the gifs have triggered you, and will take on board your feedback. The SANE Forums blog was crafted with the intention of being a little lighter, but we can hear that this has had a negative impact. The content for this blog is currently under review so I will let the new content guru know! 

@LostAngel  Thank you so much for sharing your experience Heart the idea of being conflicted between compassion and self-pity is very powerful. It's also challenging at times not to be too self-critical on a continuum. If you'd like to share more about what you're experiencing on our forums please don't hesitate to start your own discussion here too. Our community can support and connect with you, we're here to listen @LostAngel 

LostAngel
Senior Contributor

thank you @nashy I have continued posting as needed Heart